THREAD #2 - FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND >>942867
THREAD #3 - REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN >>947661
THE STORY SO FAR - After Superman and Doomsday died, and everyone got sad, a new group of Supermen with attitude were summoned by editorial to take his place! SHADES SUPERMAN, with the power of KILL!
SUPERBOY METROPOLIS KID, with the power of being a SHIT-HEAD TEEN! BORINGBORG, with the power of BEING REALLY BLAND AND OBVIOUSLY EVIL! Finally, STEEL, with the power of BEING THE REALIST NIGGA AROUND.
After fucking around for several issues, it's time for
THE RETURN OF SUPERMAN
because we're done having all these pretenders running around.
Do you also know who's done with all those pretenders running around? Super Shades. He's going to enforce copy-right Charles Bronson style.
ACTION COMICS #689 opens with Superboy and Supergirl dealing with the fact they let a dime-store Deadshot blow up a bridge. I think the whole thing was implied to be part of some TV executive's plan to get more ratings but I don't know.
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude, Super Shades awakens from a power nap, presumably to recover his strength after putting together that life-size Warhammer figurine. Like everyone living in our soul-less technological age, he immediately checks his computer to see what's going on with the world. Seeing that Metropolis is in chaos because there are four Supermen, Shades decides the best course of action is to eliminate them.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. SUPER SHADES WILL ENFORCE HIS COPYRIGHT WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.
Elsewhere, Luthor feels fucking betrayed by a teenager being a teenager. World's greatest mind everyone.
Of course, the first Superman he goes after is the fucking nigger.
Then STEEL and Super Shades fight. I'm right now thinking back to the last time I saw Super Shades in this event, and he was disgusted that Guy Gardner approved of him. It made him seriously consider his approach to things.
Gotta throw that shit out the window so we can get Superman back, pronto.
So Mongul's coming to earth to get revenge on Superman. Shades, you were so focused on enforcing your IP that you totally missed a big orange space-ship just threateningly cruising toward earth. Way to go.
As you nostalgically remember Barq-toos, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Shades and STEEL just keep fucking fighting.
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
I'm beginning to think they were right in limiting advertising to children.
I still like the idea of four replacement Supermen..I mean, hell, even Batman has replacements every now and again, why not Supes? Problem I think is that well, they kinda pussied out by bring Supes back ASAP. Same thing with Rodimus back in Season 3. They could've had something there with a vulnerable and rookie leader…and then they pussied out by bringing Prime back…TWICE and without actually having Rodimus a chance to grow (only episode where Rodimus finally accepts his role..was followed up by Return of Optimus Prime and that episode was at the tail end of Season 3.)
Considering that comics used to advertise about learning martial arts from the Deadliest Man Alive…yeah, I can see that.
Hey, I'm sure The Count only RIPPED, SLASHED, TORE, GOUGED, MAIMED, TORTURED, DISFIGURED, and KILLED in self-defence.
You take that back. Comic Ads were offering American children superpowers.
Off to buy a Lynx
Did I say that Shades and Steel keep fighting? Turns out I was wrong. I forgot an important issue.
ACTION COMICS ANNUAL #5 is important, not because it's another BLOODLINES cross-over, but because Shades Superman makes a friend.
That's what I want out of my fun superhero comics: attempted suicide.
Cripple cop gets his spinal fluid drained by our friends, the Bloodlines edgeliens. Arguably this is the best thing for him.
Of course, the sexy one tries to go after Shades. Stupid edgy alien. He's fucking Super Shades. He's going to have none of your parasitic shenanigans.
Looks like Cripple Cop is one of the lucky few who's spinal fluid was holding them back from incredible powers. In his case, it manifests as a blue Hulk with a wider vocabulary.
I miss when comic characters had thongs as part of their costumes.
How does that Blueberry Ape find enough time during a FIGHT WITH SUPER SHADES to get all dressed up like the Terminator?
Luthor watching TV in nothing but a robe is probably the grossest thing I've seen today. Guess his new body doesn't limit his flowing locks to just his head.
Man, this art is getting terrible and all this fighting is fucking pointless.
The Bloodlines aliens decide to just fuck it and jump Shades in public. So Blueberry Ape and Shades team-up to fight them.
It's now we learn that Blueberry Ape can change colors like a mood ring.
Shades causes the bridge to burst into flames, again. It's now Shades realizes to be Superman, he has to save lives and not hunt down dangerous aliens.
He's growing as a character.
Shades cold exterior thaws and he decides to allow this big, blue, hulk rip-off to be his friend. It makes me smile, and then makes me sad because they're going to chuck all that shit out to get Superman back.
Blueberry Ape decides to call himself "LOOSE CANON", but it doesn't matter because because he never takes off as a character.
As you all laugh that he's still crippled when he powers down, stay tuned for the next issue when Shades and Steel continue to fight and they wrap up Steel's entire story-arc for convenience.
I love this Jackson Guice art. He isn't an artist I ever followed, but his work here is really nice.
Flashback was an awesome game.
> Like everyone living in our soul-less technological age, he immediately checks his computer to see what's going on with the world.
MAN OF STEEL #24 continues the fight from ACTION COMICS #689. You know, the one where we chuck out all of Super Shade's character stuff because "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE". And apparently, the one, true Superman can't be a nigger.
HIS SHADES! SUPER SHADES CAN'T BE SEEN WITHOUT HIS SHADES!
Anyway, we get back to STEEL's whole Toastmaster's plot and that White Rabbit chick who he used to plow. Luthor apparently wants in on that action, even the whole plot feels beneath him. Luthor's whole involvement in STEEL's book just highlights how stupid business Luthor is. He thinks he can control mother fucking STEEL with threats of exposure. What an idiot.
STEEL's really rocking the Scooby "Can you rucking knock" pose.
Can you imagine a more awkward couple than an albino nigra and a fucking ginger? Anyway, we get some villain meeting or something, and it'd be nice if the White Rabbit got one over on Luthor because I just want to see a fucking villain do villain things in this damn book.
That fat guy is some great comic book shit right there. Too bad it's incredibly brief and he's defeated quickly.
Oh, and White Rabbit is fucking dead.
So Luthor gets to keep being the #1 villain of all Superman comics through absolutely no cunning on his part. It's almost like he's the big bad simply through is complete lack of initiative.
As you try to figure out who the fuck cares about Mongol, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Green Lantern's hometown is wiped off the face of the earth.
>tfw your adopted metamorph daughter grows up to be a slut
>Luthor's whole involvement in STEEL's book just highlights how stupid business Luthor is.
I find business Luthor incredibly disappointing. For all of the hype, he's just a petty ante rube.
Hopefully he snaps out of it when the Clark returns.
SUPERMAN #80 is where all this Death of Superman shit starts wrapping up. The bullshit involved from here on out is frustrating to say the least. It's like they just stop caring.
But we'll get into that in later issues, right now we've got a comic to read. Mongol has arrived and is going to turn Coast City into a smouldering crater.
Just a reminder, Cyborg Superman is not a character.
Giant green balls, smashing buildings and shit, and the good people of Coast City don't notice anything until they're on the phone with someone who has some importance to the DC Universe. Nice.
Well, Super Shade's number is up. Done in by Boringborg. This is where the story starts going off the rails because none of shit was set-up.
Super Shades doesn't deserve this. He was a good character trying to find his way in the world and protect the innocent, only to get his ass kicked by a bland cyborg. Terrible.
Eleven pages in and Coast City is no more. I thought for sure they would've dragged it out, have a whole "Battle for Coast City", but apparently they needed to get Superman back immediately.
>Destroy an entire city just to kick off the next big event.
>Reveal the obviously evil cyborg is, indeed, evil
Top tier writing I tell you what.
As Boringborg snows the White House over what's going on, I think how great it is that none of this fucking garbage was fore-shadowed at all. That Boringborg would somehow know Mongol. That Boringborg would need a major metropolitan area to be obliterated for … some reason.
For the first time in this whole mess, I think I'm experiencing what readers in the nineties felt. This whole thing makes me frustrated and angry, because what the fuck.
The fuck does this have to do with anything? Really, it feels like the entirety of "REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN" was a completely different comic and this is some other comic I picked up by mistake.
As you try to make sense of everything, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Boringborg kicks both Superboy and STEEL's asses because fuck it why not?
I fucking hated Terminator Superman for offing Shades Superman…I like Shades Superman. Too bad DC hasn't brought back the ol' Heroic Shades Superman.
He's a hero we deserve…
I'm more incised that he was quickly offed by a non-character in a rushed plot that had no build-up. Shit like this happens all the time in mainstream comics and irritates the fuck out of me.
At least make his death have meaning goddammit!
He was taken from us too soon.
He was at the prime of his life…Never Forget Shades Superman.
Thank you OP for the storytime.
Thanks for the storytime so far. Any chance you'll do Knightfall after this? I'm enjoying your commentary so far.
Rest in Peace, Super Shades. You were too pure for this sinful earth.
On the flipside I feel more emotion over Shades McSuper getting killed than the big guy so mission accomplished you fucking hacks
Coast City. Gone. No reflective moment. No parting goodbyes. Just, gone.
Seeing as this completely senseless destruction lead straight to even more destruction with Emerald Twilight, I'm starting to understand where H.E.A.T. was coming from.
Not enough to give up on my boy Kyle, mind you, but damn did DC really treat GL fans like dog shit.
I caught a cold and I'm feeling fucking awful, so it's a perfect time to story-time more of this wonderful event.
It's ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #503 and it's now Superboy's turn to taste OP cyborg cock. Apparently wind and other atmospheric conditions just don't exist in the DC Universe, because none of the smoke and ash from the whole city destruction ever dissipates. Boringborg is allowed to completely bullshit the outside world and nobody bothers to question him.
Also, where the fuck is the Justice League? From all their previous appearences in this event, they're more the "Justsitonourass" League.
Again, it's not made clear why Boringborg is doing any of this, and it sure as hell wasn't foreshadowed. I guess foreshadowing plot events would've required Boringborg to have been a character, with personality and motivations.
So, if I'm reading this right, the White House was just about to call the Justice League to deal with an entire city reportedly destroyed by a rogue Superman, but a another, obviously sketchy looking, skull-faced Superman says "Nah, bring me that other Superman instead. You know, the boy.", and none of them are going to question it? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't give a creepy terminator Superman the time of day, let alone make decisions concerning a national disaster.
I never got the importance of Superboy being a network exclusive or how a station owner's unethical behavior is considered Superman-level evil. However, what I do get is that Karl Kesel probably didn't know that "Getting horizontal" is slang for fucking.
Superboy flies off to meet up with cyber ghoul-face, and Rob Liefeld and Jim Shooter are going to be appearing at the grand-opening of Mile High Comics in California. This is a good time to point out that Rob Liefeld, before leaving Marvel to found Image Comics, was getting paid a million fucking dollars a year to draw comics.
Out of the arctic ice bursts out the full scale Warhammer figure featured in Action Comics #689 ( >>959286)! Is somebody going to learn the hard way that YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH A GUY IN SHADES?!
Meteor Man stars ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE.
People should be suspicious of a guy that tells rescue teams and the media that he "guarantees" that anyone going into the big evil dust cloud will fucking die.
Finally, at long last, Lois starts to consider that maybe Boringborg isn't the man he says he is after saying some contradictory shit on television. Well, too fucking late for that. Nothing can stop Boringborg from violating Superboy's anus.
Jim Shooter looks like goddamn Looten Plunder.
Superboy was looking for a father figure. Someone to give him a little guidance and spend some time together at the fishing-hole. He thought he found that figure in Cyborg Superman. He spoke kindly to Superboy and offered to give him advice. That is, until he suggested that they go fight some evil in a dark cloud where nobody could see them. Superboy leapt at the chance to bond with Cyborg Superman. It was then Cyborg Superman started getting friendly. TOO friendly.
Superboy was raped by Cyborg Superman that day. Boys, when looking for a mentor, be careful. You never know when skull-faced homosexual cyborgs are on the prowl.
Oh, now they're starting to some mild character work for Mongol, but who the fuck gives a shit about Mongol.
Welp, that's the end of Superboy. He got jobbed so hard that the comic lost half a page.
Mario's face is my face.
Stay tuned for the next issue where DC just fucking twists the knife.
>Mario's greatest adventure yet is being locked in a cell in the mountains of madness
I guess he gets to experience the princess's point of view
Appreciate it Anon
Same here. I was too young at the time to appreciate the shitty thing they were doing with this story, but I get it now.
I love Tom Grummett's art.
>Karl Kesel probably didn't know that "Getting horizontal" is slang for fucking.
I bet he did. I mean, look at the next page's dialogue.
That was a pretty fucking ominous statement.
Thanks again, OP! Feel better.
I really have no qualms about Emerald Twilight itself (Hal makes a good villain), but to just wipe out Coast City like it's nothing, without even a fight? That's fucking cold.
Why is Superboy's agent Ayk Danroyd?
What bothered me about Emerald Twilight was how abrupt Hal's face-heel turn was. One minute he's a hero, and the next he's murdering his old friends and fellow Corps members? That was hard to swallow.
But Hal didn't murder anyone. At least not until he murdered Sinestro and Kilowog and absorbed the GL Battery, but he was too far gone at that point to care.
However, it is true that three issues aren't enough to really capture Hal's decent into insane grief. But they at least tried and did a fairly good job, unlike the annihilation of Coast City, which happened in an instant.
I'm assuming that some, if not most, of you have been with me since the start of this thing, or at least have read the threads still up. You've seen Superman die, be buried, and a bunch of varied characters take up his mantel. It's been a wild ride. Now I want you to take everything we've read together, from DOOMSDAY's love of professional wrestling to Super Shades finding a friend, and just toss it in the fucking trash.
ACTION COMICS #690 does not give a fuck if you've been reading this event since the start of it. Hell, it doesn't give a fuck if you read the previous issue. DC's going to wrap up all the mysteries started in this thing in possibly the most disappointing, lazy ways possible. It's straight up bullshit from here on out.
For starters, we've got those fuck-ass Superman cultists showing up again. I know they're probably patting themselves on the back for the religious angle, but I seriously doubt citizens of a major metropolitan city would form a fucking cargo-cult around a superhero.
Superboy asks a really good question: Why the fuck is Boringborg doing any of this? Do we get an answer? Oh fuck no, because I'm 90% the writers don't know themselves. Boringborg is just running around cackling like fucking Snidely Whiplash, and we have no idea why.
Hey, it's Shades Superman! But if he's being an old man in the Fortress of Solitude, then who's in the giant robot heading for Metropolis?
Lois finally gets around to telling people she thinks Boringborg is full of crap, but seriously, what the fuck is a Metropolis cop going to do about it? Hey, what's that guy saying to Maggie Sawyer there?
>…Something weird about the stone slab that the coffin had been resting on .. It's shorter than it originally had been!
Meanwhile, Boringborg dupes THE ENTIRE FUCKING JUSTICE LEAGUE into buying his line about Super Shades and tricks them into searching the asteroid belt. Why? Why the fuck are they doing this? Why the fuck are they all sitting in their little treefort instead of investigating the smouldering remains of Coast City? Why the fuck is nobody questioning this crap? Not even Guy goes "Fuck you, I'm checking this out for myself" and he fucking met Super Shades.
What the fucking fuck, DC?
Boringborg gloats that he tricked idiots. We still have no fucking clue what his goal here is, but he's going to destroy Metropolis too. Why? Fuck if I know.
These three pages gave me clarity. I understand, and feel, what those reading this must've felt when this was released. Its changed my thinking and now I whole-heartedly agree that Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman, and Justice League are all faithful interpretations of Superman. It's opened my eyes.
This is now Superman. The shit where they make-up that Super Shades was a fucking house ghost robots pulled out of the walls, even though none of it was foreshadowed, is now Superman. The shit where Super Shades just didn't remember hauling Superman's lifeless carcass to the Fortress of Solitude, even though I fucking read the issue and none of that was in there, is now Superman. Even the shit where the fucking Fortress robots gas-lighted Super Shades into believing he was Superman, that is now Superman.
This is what Superman is now. When people talk about Superman, this is what they mean. Three beautiful pages that fucking reduced reading the twenty nine issues to get here a complete waste of time.
My anger. Oh my incredible anger.
We'll all live the rest of our lives knowing that the Justice League are idiots, and Super Shades was a fucking ghost taped to a rock.
Oh, by the way, Superman's back.
Stay tuned for the next exciting issue, because of course this fucking thing keeps going.
Imagine getting the shit knocked out of you and then coming home to this.
>"Hi anon. You are not actually who you think you are. You're life is a lie. We're not even your parents. We just call you "son" because we're conditioned to do so. Now get in the basement so we can reveal who you really are, Hitler."
What a scream yourself awake nightmare.
>What a scream yourself awake nightmare.
Or maybe you just stumbled onto the half-open: Scary Door
Honestly, you're being a bit over the top. The Eradicator stuff was picked up from older issues, and since we the readers never saw how Superman's body disappeared from the crypt, they're not cheating by saying Eradicator moved it. As for the Justice League, they're used to taking their lead from Superman, and since the cyborg can apparently create fake video, they have no reason to doubt him. Especially since he hasn't been going around acting like the Punisher. None of this is any shakier than comics logic usually is.
Also, this version of Justice League is full of second-rate idiots like Maxima, Ray and that green girl. I can say this Justice League is worse than Detroit's League and on par with Dan Vado's XTREME Justice.
BTW, that Guy Gardner isn't even the real one. He was a clone made by some aliens.
The Death of Superman, The Knight(-fall, -quest, -end) trilogy and the Spiderman Clone Saga.
The unholy trinity which haunts the best decade which is the 90's.
Thanks OP for ripping the scars open!
I love you, you beautiful bastard!
I think Onslaught did more harm to comics than Knightfall, but that's just my opinion.
>that green girl
That's Jade, Alan Scott's green daughter.
You might remember her as Kyle's main squeeze until she cheated on him.
Knightfall looks amazing when compared to DOS.
We did see what happened to Superman's body. It was assumed that Super Shades inhabited it / absorbed it >>948085. 'They even have a panel with the coffin clearly empty and nothing else in the tomb but Super Shades.
Either way, its crap. Just imagine some reader in the ninties picking this up and Superman comes back with a handwave. There was an entire arc making sure the reader understood that Superman was really dead, so Superman just showing up with no build-up, and the top contender dismissed as a ghost is insulting.
It's crap, but it's not really any more crap than most cape writing.
Until you start trying to work out what Azbat's body looks like under the armour, where his shoulders are, how big his head is, how long his arms and legs are…
Don't question the SYSTEM, faggot.
It's MAN OF STEEL #25, and when I started reading this, I have to say I didn't expect Superman's return to be so disappointing.
Nobody is investigating the clearly suspicious cloud of debris from the destruction of Coast City, and nobody seems at all concerned that Superboy isn't back yet. However, one man isn't taking this lightly.
STEEL once again redeems this book. Not only does he not buy all that bunk about Super Shades going bad, but after he's done with some drug dealers, he's going to head out there himself figure all this shit out. STEEL is the only character being proactive in all of this and I love him for it.
Well, we learn that Superboy has powers of his own, as he breaks out of the sexually suggestive bondage device Boringborg put him in. Instead of pursuing him, Boringborg just tells everyone that Superboy was brainwashed and to totally not listen to his stories about the evil city he's building under the clouds. Of course, everyone buys it, because everyone in the DCU is stupid.
One person who finally isn't buying it? Lois. She's going to head out there to see for herself whats going on there. However, I really can't concentrate on that. Jimmy's possessive behavior toward Lois is creeping me out. Maybe DC is implying that the Spindoctors' song is true, seeing as it's written on his shirt.
Luthor stops Supergirl from doing anything because reasons. Really, Luthor is now super-controlling of Supergirl for no reason other than the plot demands it. Oh, and since it's Superman in that giant robot, I think he just let a submarine of innocent people die.
Meanwhile, Lois is going to fly to Coast City, because she's an independent woman that needs no man. Well, too bad, she's getting one whether she likes it or not. STEEL needs a ride and you don't say "no" to STEEL.
The giant robot shows up and nobody tries talking to it. Hell, Superman doesn't even try to tell people "Hey stop it's me". Because we need one more instant of Supermen fighting each other.
That said, the power duo of STEEL and Superboy are reunited once again. I don't know about you, but I'd read a spin-off book about them and the crazy adventures they'd get into.
BEHOLD, HE IS RISEN! THE LAST SON OF KRYPTON! THE MAN OF STEEL! SUPERMAN! HE HAS RETURNED TO US!
After being unceremoniously shit out by a robot.
Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where it feels like all of this shit should've been resolved already.
>Superman with mullets
We're in for a hell of a ride.
>people don't care about Coast City so much that Steel is already calling it Engine City even though he doesn't have any reason to know that name
Man the writers just didn't give a shit
Is he chewing on his own hair? The black lines next to his teeth blend in with his suit and hair so much.
Why is he wearing black, anyways?
I think the slinky black catsuit was supposed to absorb solar energy and help him regain his powers faster.
That is a terrible picture. It's like Sal Buscema drew it with a laundry marker held in his teeth.
And why was it necessary for the robot to poop him out with a lot of fucking Kryptonian robot afterbirth fluid?
Once again, Steel is the best of the replacement Supermen.
I like the implication that Lois THAT SLUT once literally ate a sports prediction she got wrong.
>I think he just let a submarine of innocent people die.
>Superman doesn't even try to tell people "Hey stop it's me"
In the last issue, Superman said he can't see what's going on outside the battlesuit. It's just carrying him to Metropolis, preprogrammed. Now, I don't know why that should be the case, but he did say it.
>And why was it necessary for the robot to poop him out with a lot of fucking Kryptonian robot afterbirth fluid?
How else are you to properly symbolize Superman's rebirth into the living world if you don't have him flop out of a giant robot vagina?
You know, it bugs me how this event suddenly was in a rush to get finished. Superman just shows up alive, Boringborg immediately turning evil and destroying a city, it all happens so fast. It bugged me so much, that I did some digging to figure out why DC was throwing all this shit out the door as fast as they could, and I think I found the answer.
See, the previous comic was published in September of 1993. Do you know what premiered in September of 1993? Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. I think that would explain why DC would be in a rush to get Superman back. It also shows DC's strange priorities, seeing as they'd trample over each other getting Superman back in comics to capitalize on a soap opera, but keep Knightfall going even though Batman was going to have a cartoon premiere the same month that would have a monumental impact on the character,'Batman the Animated Series.
As fascinating (and possibly infuriating) as all that is, ours is not to question why, but to read comics. It's SUPERMAN #81 and Superman has such a shitty attitude that I wish he stayed dead.
We finally get some insight on what Boringborg's plan is: turn Earth into a space-ship. Why? Eh, he hates Superman.
We also get lots of backstory because fuck you if you think comics are a visual medium.
I'm not going to bother getting into Boringborg's back-story because it all boils down to one thing: Boringborg is a low-rent Brainiac.
Jurgens you fucking shit-head. You created a crappy character that can be easily replaced by Brainiac for an infinitely better story.
Superman, it's not a hard concept to grasp. Everyone thought you were dead. They had a funeral and everything. Then four guys showed up, and some of them were saying they were you. You can't just waltz in and expect everything to be the same just because you're Superman. There's going to be serious trust issues.
But we're not going to deal with any of that. Lois gets a kiss and believes that Superman is Superman. He reads like the biggest asshole in the universe.
Oh fuck this Superman. Nobody fucking back-talks my boy STEEL, least of all Superman. It's like they were trying to make him an unlikable prick.
I want to say I'm fucking done with this shit, but I'm not. So stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Superman is a fucking ass to everyone.
What I never got about Superman's long hair, is how the mullet would suddenly have long enough bangs for Clark Kent to have a ponytail.
And don't get me started on where Wolverine's sideburns go when he puts on the mask.
Im taking ideas for how Superborg could have made his revenge plan anymore elaborate or stupid.
Im gonna start with he's gonna have to juggle at least 6 bowling pins whilst doing everything and speak only in Italian.
I never understood how Superman's hair grew so fast from >>959287 and >>959286 to >>963711 in so few issues.
What did the cyborg need with Mongul anyway? He just uses him as a lackey. Mongul doesn't bring anything to the table.
Lois comes off worse than Supes in this issue. She wasn't even going to listen to him at first, even though she sought out some of the other Supermen including STEEL to try and see if they were somehow Clark.
It's THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #504, and now that Superman is back, it feels like there's a communication problem between all of the writers for these books. Like Karl Kesel had no idea that Jurgens was going to write Superman as a massive tool, so now he's trying to fix things by making Superman less of a prick. However, it's far too late for that.
Superdick and crew are flying to engine city, and now even STEEL is on the Superdick bandwagon. Thomas doubted Jesus's resurrection until he touched his wounds. Superman doesn't have that problem. So take that Jesus.
Also, Superboy has suddenly become retarded.
How long has the fucking doom cloud floated over the remains of Coast City? Seriously.
Superman's decides to be nice to STEEL, mostly because he needs a human shield. The way Superman says "son" makes me just want to punch him.
I've read a lot of Silver Age Superman, so all this fighting in a Superman comic feels weird to me. I'm too used to Superman talking things out or using bizarre, Superman level plans to solve problems.
Kesel's attempt at quips are terrible. Superboy sounds like that fucking kid we all knew who had to fucking comment on everything.
THIS AIN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S SUPERMAN ANYMORE! HE'S GOT A BADASS MULLET! BATMAN HAS A NO GUNS RULE? FUCK THAT NOISE! SUPERMAN'S ALL ABOUT THE DAKKA! SUPERMAN'S GONNA TEACH ALL THOSE 90'S ANTI-HEROES HOW REAL MEN USE FIREARMS!
Just look at Lois there, sobbing on the couch as she watches TV. They changed her post-crisis, made her a strong, independent woman that needs no man. Look how fucking worthless she is. Crazy Silver Age Lois wouldn't be lying on couch like a slug. She'd be in the middle of danger. Hell, she'd probably BE the danger. Superman would be laying siege to Engine City to save Lois who probably thought Cyborg Superman was the real Superman and wanted to dupe him into marrying her. What I'm getting at is that Silver Age Superman was great.
Boringborg shoots his rocket toward Metropolis and Superboy hitches a ride. As interesting as that is, I'm more concerned that, while this was being published, fucking BLOODLINES is still going on. So you've got THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN, KNIGHTFALL, and BLOODLINES all going on at the same time.
And people wonder how the comic book industry crashed in 1993.
They didn't have Perry White say "GREAT CESAR'S GHOST". There he is, on the roof of the Daily Planet building, watching a twink try to stop a death rocket from reducing everything he knows to ash, and they just can't have Perry White utter his catch-phrase. Way to fucking under-cut everything, Kesel.
This aversion to fun is going to be the death of me.
As Superboy takes an explosion to the face, remember to buy the novelization. You need 418 pages of pretentious dialogue about a children's adventure character getting punched to death by a grey rock monster.
Stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Roger Stern tries to fix all the problems Kesel created, just like how Kesel tried to fix all the problems Jurgens created.
And this is the problem when you have 3 different writers for an event…each one doesn't know what the other guy is doing. Let's say if there's just one writer..or all 3 of them sat down and talk to each other.
>About a comic arc
I've listened to a few of DC's audiobooks. They really drive home how dumb this shit is.
In ACTION COMICS #691, STEEL commits himself, body and soul, to Superman. All it took was Superman stupidly jumping off a platform down an incredibly deep hole to convince STEEL to start sucking his cock. Of course, Superman now has kind words for STEEL, mostly because he doesn't have his powers back yet and needs STEEL around to do the hard work.
So Superman is now a manipulative asshole.
Remember the dakka? The whole "this ain't yo daddy's Superman" as he guns down wave after wave of weird mutant things? Well that was apparently Roger Stern's "wait, Kesel wrote what?" moment. Thankfully, Stern's an old pro at "filling the page with more dialogue than a novel", so he can afford to include an explanation that Superman has mild x-ray vision that allows him to identify and shoot only robots. That explanation is all in text, so you know it's bullshit.
STEEL, you were my nigga. You were the realist shit and of all the Supermen, you were my favorite. Now look at you. Sucking Superman's dick harder than a meth head needing rent money. You are dead to me now, STEEL. Dead.
Look! Superboy survived taking the same explosive force that reduced Coast City to a burning hell-hole! Only to be greeted with Luthor screaming in his face about Supergirl, as if Superboy would have any fucking idea where the hell she is.
Meanwhile, Boringborg is losing his shit over his rocket exploding. Apparently that rocket was his "brilliant plan", which confirms that Boringborg is as dumb as a sack of hammers. Guess his villain sue powers were countered by Superman's mary sue powers.
Deep in the Fortress of Solitude, Super Shades has had enough of not being in the story! Power returned, he flies off for revenge! However, he doesn't have his shades anymore, nor is he Superman anymore. So from now on, I'll call him Ghost Robot, as Super Shades has passed from this world.
Supergirl shows up and apparently has been with them the entire time, but really, who the fuck gives a shit about a sex slime cosplaying as Supergirl other than /monster/?
The Big Guy is coming…
Boringborg has had enough and is going to kick all these Supermen's asses himself. Mongol, however, has apparently grown a spine in the time between groveling before Boringborg and now. He's figured out that Boringborg was lying about how Superman threw him into space (as if that really matters). Now Mongol decides that it's up to him to stop all these Supermen!
However, nobody really cares because it's fucking Mongol.
Apparently Engine City is powered by KRYPTONITE. This is the first time I've seen kryptonite this entire event and I was starting to think it stopped existing.
As you read the letter's pages, stay tuned for the next exciting issue. It's a fucking BLOODLINES crossover!
Fun fact: There was a 2016 BLOODLINES
There's a 2018 BLOODLINES too.
>that knightfall ad
I usually think calling capes homoerotic is just a pretentious (((intellectual))) way of demeaning nerds and their hobbies, but something about the extreme definition of azbat musculature especially around his hips and groin as he straddles Bane is giving me second thoughts.
Also, as terrible as the black super suit is, the exposed traps has to be the worst part about it. It has the sam aesthetics as a women wearing a black strapless dress and looks as about as masculine as you would expect, as in not at all.
It's THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN ANNUAL #5 - BLOODLINES - EARTHPLAGUE, both of which sound like the most metal of death metal band names.
So, for refresher, Superman is still considered dead, Coast City has been reduced to a smouldering crater, a death missile just exploded above Metropolis, and these edgy horse-skull-faced aliens have been murdering hundreds of people by sucking out all their spinal fluid. I'm genuinely surprised that nobody in the DCU is considering this the end times. It's like I'm reading B.P.R.D.: HELL ON EARTH, except it involves Superman.
Getting back to our skull-faced friends, after all the shit I've read, I'm glad they've finally returned. They're incredibly stupid and it's great. They're so stupid that one of them thinks that the best way to blend in is to dress like a fucking blood druid. It's that kinda dumb shit that "THE RETURN OF SUPERMAN" has been missing.
As those lovable skull-faced goons feast on realtors that can easily be traced back to them, we learn some shit about how Superboy has "kinda" invincibility. It kinda works, it kinda not works. Anyway, he gets deputized to fight the skull-faced bug menace. It feels weird because there are bigger things to worry about than hobos getting killed by weirdos.
Finally something clever out of BLOODLINES. A girl and her hairy, werewolf uncle are now hunting down the Bloodlines aliens so that she can get super-powers.
I cannot emphasize enough how stupid the Bloodline alien's plan is. They're going to lure in homeless people with the promise free food, but put their sketchiest member in charge of handing out flyers. Just look at that guy and tell me you wouldn't be concerned. He might be saying free food, but he might as well be advertising a gang-bang.
Superboy decides to go undercover and get some intel on the bug monsters (as if the creepy dude handing out flyers isn't obvious enough), and bumps into Bibbo.
I hate Bibbo and was really hoping he wasn't going to come back.
wow, nice ass shot
Kesel's going all "To Serve Man" with this plot, having the Bloodlines aliens keep referring to what they're doing as "Feeding the Hungry". It's silly and I like it.
Some reporter is getting attacked by an alium, but that's not important. What's important is that girl from before is going to get her super-powers cherry popped by a big, red, vainy, dick monster.
What are you trying to prove?
Now the coming of age metaphor becomes a rape metaphor.
Which of the aliens is your favorite, readers? I personally like the big fat one. He looks the most creative of the lot and has a certain adorableness to him.
Why are none of the paramedics or the police at all concerned that there's a big hairy naked man over-top an unconscious girl?
Anyway, the girl gets electric powers, and from her design, I'm starting to think Livewire from Superman the Animated Series was ripped off of her.
Together they fight off the aliens, and like the intergalactic trash pandas they are, the aliens run off when the police show up.
The flying aliens have to haul the fat-asses of the others as the building comes down. Superboy saves everyone by holding up the ceiling and is rewarded by getting electrocuted.
But isn't that how it always is, with love?
Ignore for a moment how desperately Sparx, the electric lass, wants to grab a hold of Superboy's ass and look how much fucking spinal fluid the alien's have. Look at it! It's a fucking lake! How much spinal fluid is in the human body? I don't know but that looks like they would've needed a holocaust to collect that much!
As you consider the millions that must've died to fill that lake, and what fucking creature needs that much spinal fluid, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Green Lantern comes home.
>As you consider the millions that must've died to fill that lake, and what fucking creature needs that much spinal fluid, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Green Lantern comes home.
I like to imagine they just purchase spinal fluid from a Cow at a farmers market or something.
>I'm genuinely surprised that nobody in the DCU is considering this the end times
I've read Bloodlines. All of it. They go out of their way to establish that human spinal fluid is their drink of choice. Other back juice, like other AYYS, tastes like shit to them.
>Other back juice, like other AYYS, tastes like shit to them.
Right, so they give it to their mega monsters that can't complain because they don't have context. I assume this is the edge alien version of "Eat your Vegetables"
>How much spinal fluid is in the human body?
There's around 125ml of cerebrospinal fluid in the human body at one time.
That first fucking page, man. It's like everyone in the DC offices said "You know what Superman needs? Not to look like Superman."
MAN OF STEEL #26 is where it's clear the writers are playing favorites with the villains. In the previous issue, Boringborg was an idiot and Mongol was the real badguy. Now it's Mongol that's the idiot and Boringborg is the badguy. The characterization of both of these characters fluctuates between issues, which is something considering Boringborg barely has a character to begin with.
Seeing Superman unload on Mongol is the opposite of badass. I think everyone loses some self-confidence and respect just by looking at it.
Even the Kents readily accept that a black spandex wearing guy that has Superman's face is clearly their son, even though there were at least three guys who also had their son's face. Guess it's intuition or something.
Boringborg hooks himself up the computer with enough cords that it looks like the mess that's 8chan's server set-up. He's going to trick STEEL into stopping the engine? The giant engine that would cause the planet to spiral out of orbit and destroy the world? Even though Boringborg was going to destroy the world anyway?
I'm eight issues into this whole "Engine City" arc and I still haven't a clue what the fuck is going on.
Oh boy, Hal is back, and he has no fucking idea what the fuck's been happening.
Mongol kicks everyone's shit in, and Boringborg is fighting STEEL. I can't shake a feeling that this story was rewritten to make it seem like Boringborg was playing along with STEEL because somebody didn't like the idea of Boringborg being such a fucking moron.
As Superman gets a face full of Mongol fist, fucking Ghost Robot, formerly known as Super Shades, arrives, but doesn't do anything because we don't have much of this issue left.
Oh, and STEEL is trying to kill himself.
Why the fuck is Boringborg angry that STEEL blew up the engine? Wasn't that what he fucking wanted? See why I feel this shit was rewritten?
Anyway, stay tuned for the next exciting issue, or as exciting as a Hal Green Lantern comics can get. Which isn't much.
>there were at least three guys who also had their son's face
Who? Supershades had his face. Cyborgman has 1/4 of his face. Steel is black. Superboy is a self-admitted clone and a teenager.
>Boringborg hooks himself up the computer with enough cords that it looks like the mess that's 8chan's server set-up.
You know, I've never read much of Post-Crisis Hal Jordan. I've read a collection of Silver Age Green Lantern, and from that I gleaned that Hal has the personality of a frozen waffle. It's hard to get invested in him because he's just kinda there.
GREEN LANTERN #46 is a good example of Hal's lack of character. He's flying in, looking to get revenge on his dead home-town, a scene that should be full of emotion, right? Not for Hal. Hal has the expression that one would expect to find on someone who found out his neighbor's dog shit in his yard.
Hal Jordan is a hero that literally needs text boxes for the reader to have any hope of connecting with him. No wonder Johns worked so hard to bring him back.
M.D. Bright tries his hand at giving Hal Jordan emotion, but instead of "righteous fury" he gets "psychotic glee".
Also, how does Hal know it was Mongol who destroyed his city?
Blasts from the Green Lantern ring look like farts.
You guys should really read the text boxes. It's describing a bunch of emotions and tension that the art isn't even trying to convey.
So Hal happens upon STEEL's hammer and makes himself STEEL.
I consider that race-swapping.
That Superman ad made me audibly sigh.
Wait, STEEL survived? How? And where's his suit? Are things just happening now?
Oh, so I guess Superman fought and beat Boringborg somewhere along the line. He also got his costume back, but from where I have no idea.
Well it's good to know that if any of this shit is elaborated on in the next issue, there won't be any tension or surprises going on.
Yeah, they like to advertise that Hal and Green Arrow are getting back together, but now we all fucking know that's only going to be for one issue. Then Hal's going to lose his mind and kill the Green Lantern corps, which will turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to the character.
As you marvel at that ancient SeaQuest ad, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where we're almost done with this crap.
>Advertising Zero Hour
>Before Emerald Twilight
The Supermullet vs. Boringbot fight happened off-screen? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? How the fuck did they got away with this? What the actual fuck!? This shit can't be real!
>Then Hal's going to lose his mind and kill the Green Lantern corps, which will turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to the character.
You spend weeks bitching and moaning about what they did to Superman, and then you say that about Hal? You faggot.
It's probably in the next issue.
This was Green Lanturns comic so the Super man V robot supes fight happens in supes comic, it's the curse of crossovers.
Yes, I did say that about Hal. Hal as Parallax was some the best writing the character of Hal Jordan has ever received. Hal didn't turn evil. He became human. When faced with the obliteration of his home-town, he gave into temptation and seized ultimate power, all to "fix" the universe. Hal became a tragic figure, trying to hold onto a world that no longer existed and blind to everything else. Throughout the nineties, Hal's character arc continued as he realized that nothing would bring back the past, and coming to grips with the terrible things he did.
I really wanted to see Hal atone for what he did and earn redemption, but I got "LOL YELLOW SPACE BUG" instead. That said, the major difference between what they did with Hal and what they did with Superman was that Hal gained character and good stories, while Superman gained a mullet.
Don't worry, it does, I've read all this before. I'm just saying this is how crossovers go when there is a bunch of writers and artists involved.
SUPERMAN #82 is where DC takes the foot off the brake and just slams into a wall called "SUPERMAN'S BACK". Everything has to be wrapped up NOW because Lois and Clark started broadcast last month!
Right away, Super Shades/Ghost Robot has finally shown up and STEEL turns out be not quite dead. Gotta keep those characters around. Valuable IPs.
>My ring doesn't work against Mongul because he's yellow
Boringborg draws first blood, forcing
John Rambo SUPERMAN into a fight.
I want to ask why STEEL's head is smoking, but NO TIME! WE'VE GOTTA KEEP MOVING!
You're an example to us all, Anon.
>Superman is carrying a cowboy pistol on his hip and a knife on his leg
What the fuck?
>All this time he played us for fools–had us believing he might have been the real Superman
Speak for yourself Steel.
YES! SUPERMAN KNOWS HOW TO SOLVE PROBLEMS FAST! GUNS!
Boringborg takes control of STEEL's armor. Boringborg gets clocked in the back of the head by Superboy. Boringborg gets to finish explaining that he's Hank Henshaw. Nobody cares. LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
Super Shades shows up. Superman doesn't trust him. Super Shades saves Superman. Superman now trusts Super Shades. Super Shades goes on a long explanation that Superman was really dead but not really. Boringborg uses kryptonite.
MOVE IT! WE'VE GOT A DEADLINE TO KEEP!
Superman uses dakka on Boringborg. Boringborg blasts them with kryptonite. Super Shades leaps in front of the blast to save Superman. This somehow gives Superman all of his powers back. Super Shades is vaporized. Boringborg laughs even though he doesn't have a jaw anymore.
PICK UP THE FUCKING PACE! WE NEED THIS SHIT OVER WITH PRONTO!
Superman beats Boringborg into confetti.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE!
HOW MANY TIMES MUST SUPERSHADES DIE IN THIS ARC?!
Supergirl uses brain powers to give Superman his costume. Superman flies around and DC tries it's best to get us to forget the last the last ten months. Superman is now back.
Whew, almost missed the due date with this one. Had to get the Man of Steel back on newstands or Warner would have their heads. On the positive, they finally explain how long it was between Superman dying and now.
Superman was dead, in universe, for: a few weeks
While this seems like the end, we still have one, or two, or three more issues left, so stay tuned to for the next exciting issue to see how the world reacts to Superman being not-dead.
Supershades is was the best character, imo. Too rad to live.
>Superman was dead, in universe, for: a few weeks
>All of this shit happened in about two weeks
Superhero universes are hell holes.
You're retarded. Hal's transformation into Parallax wasn't character development. It was a rushed and nonsensical way to get rid of an established character in order to create a new one. DC's attempts to redeem him later were equally cringeworthy. Have you ever read his stint as the Spectre? It's godawful. It's hilarious that you defend that crap while bemoaning the Death and Return of Superman.
>It was a rushed and nonsensical way to get rid of an established character in order to create a new one.
Well, let's see if it is. >>967515
So Superman's back. Time to kinda, I don't know, do things?
ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #505 is just things happening. I don't know. It's got romance and "topical humor".
Superman merely joking that it was "all a dream" earns my ire. Considering how this event concluded, I wouldn't be surprised if they did play it off as a dream.
How does STEEL have his armor? Jesus this comic. Oh and apparently Super Shades survived.
Breaking a guy's phase device while he's in a steel vault door seems kinda questionable, Superman. How do you plan on getting him out? Can you get him out?
The whole "Superman needs to fight supervillains robbing banks" leaves me cold. Yeah, the guy's gotta phase device, but is he really do anything with it? Shit has to be written up to Superman's level.
More of people just accepting that Superman's back. DC really tried their best to sweep this whole event under the rug as fast as they could. I guess Lois and Clark was a really big deal.
Oh, and Superboy's gal pal is skipping town.
Superman and Jimmy Olsen are reunited, even though it should've been nine issues ago and Jimmy should've been the one to declare Superman the one true Superman.
Oh, and the vile usurper Bibbo shows up too. DO NOT BELIEVE HIS LIES.
Superman digs around and finds some people under the rubble from the Doomsday fight. How are they still alive? They've been down there for weeks? Were they drinking their own piss?
In this tragic moment, Superman figures out how to bring his secret identity of Clark Kent back to life. By claiming he was buried in rubble. Excellent.
In the next issue they do that and yadda yadda yadda.We all know where it goes from there. For all intents and purposes, THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN is finished. So with that in mind, I'm going to skip the next issue and instead jump to a special published in 1999.
So stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Batman teams up with all four Supermen, and Superman teams up with AzBats.
Dat freakin Dallas reference!
Thanks for the storytime.
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
Oh well, at least the Genesis game still holds as a fun and decent beat'em up in my memories.
Thanks for the effort OP, it was great
I never thought the TV version of Cyborg Superman quite gelled.
I get that Evil Nick Fury hates aliens enough to become a cyborg to gain the strength to fight them, but why would he suddenly call himself "Cyborg Superman", when he didn't go through that stage of pretending to be Superman? I feel like telling him, yo, stealing two different superheroes' names doesn't make you original, it makes you Christian Weston Chandler.
Actually, wasn't the cyborg originally a Reed Richards expie, like the U-Foes? Does anyone have his origin issue?
I remember him being the villain in Superman v.s. Terminator, that was a fun read.
>If I vibrate my arm at an incredible rate
Honestly, killing Supes was the least offensive sin of the event. The complete rush job they did to bring him back was far worse.
All rides have to come to an end. Especially this one. We've seen a lot together. The mutant/hobo underground government beneth Metropolis. DOOMSDAY have his dreams of becoming a pro-wrestler dashed by Superman beating him to "death" (and Superman getting beaten to "death" in the process). The Justice League proving several times that they can't be counted on for shit. Pa Kent getting a heart attack and nearly dying. DC spending two fucking issues telling us that Superman really was dead, and then going "nope" several issues later. Bill Clinton and Hillary eulogizing at Superman's funeral service. Meeting a cool shades wearing robot, the realist nigger alive, a twink, and an obviously evil robot. DC casually reducing a major population center to a smouldering crater. Superman, just "back", with no build up or explanation until after the fact. It's been good times, and I'm glad I've made you all suffer with me.
To finish this story-time, I present BATMAN & SUPERMAN - WORLD'S FINEST #9. Published in 1999, it's sort of a "throw back" book that revisits the whole DEATH OF SUPERMAN and KNIGHTFALL, giving us a glimpse of what both events would be like if they had consistent writing.
In the first story, Batman teams up with the Supermen to stop other off-brand Supermen.
I think this story isn't canon because Bruce Batman teaming up with all of the Supermen couldn't have happened during the time period. When all of the Supermen were in action, say around ACTION COMICS #688, July 1993, that same month, Bruce got his back broken by Bane. I also conclude that this Batman has to be Bruce because Azeral never met Superman before he got the armor.
I wish they thought of this gang of off-brand Supermen during the actual event. It would've made it a lot more fun.
Mullet Superman teams up with FUCKING AZBATS! This is something I wanted to read.
Just as in the previous story, the old folks don't trust the new guys. However, I give Superman a pass because he was "dead". Bruce I don't because he never showed up when Superman needed him. Bruce, and the entire Justice League, let Superman "die".
I kind like this retelling of how things were. Batman and Superman get to take the high-road with the Supermen and AzBats, as they weren't massive idiots and jerks during their respective arcs.
It's like an old man that knows he fucked up but doesn't want to admit it. It's nice that way.
Just because a man was unconsciously trained from birth to be a killing machine and sees visions of dead people telling him to fight evil doesn't automatically mean he's a killer, Superman. Learn to be less judgemental.
This concludes the
DEATH OF SUPERMAN
I hope you've enjoyed it, or at least enjoyed hating it. It's taken three months to storytime all of it, and I hope my next storytime is faster. KNIGHTFALL. Until then, thanks for coming with me on this adventure of through a poorly thought out publicity stunt. I hope we can meet again to suffer through more bad nineties event comics.
Thanks OP It's story times like this that make /co/ great
I'm grateful to you OP. And secretly hope you will storytime the Clone Saga too oneday… the people need to know!
OP, you did /co/ a great service with this storytime. We gained so much from it.
Now we know it wasn't Superman's return that pissed everyone off, but HOW he returned.
OP might want to watch out for that, I was a spidey fan during the clone saga and read all of it. I mentioned earlier how length and bouncing between writers hurt the death and return of Superman, well the clone saga is even MORE jumbled and LONGER! It's almost bonkers how long it is.
Two years worth of spider man plus all the side stories. Yeah that would be a hell of a story time.
OP here. One last thing, I uploaded the entirety of THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN onto the /co/ vola.