THREAD #2 - FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND >>942867
THREAD #3 - REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN >>947661
THE STORY SO FAR - After Superman and Doomsday died, and everyone got sad, a new group of Supermen with attitude were summoned by editorial to take his place! SHADES SUPERMAN, with the power of KILL!
SUPERBOY METROPOLIS KID, with the power of being a SHIT-HEAD TEEN! BORINGBORG, with the power of BEING REALLY BLAND AND OBVIOUSLY EVIL! Finally, STEEL, with the power of BEING THE REALIST NIGGA AROUND.
After fucking around for several issues, it's time for
THE RETURN OF SUPERMAN
because we're done having all these pretenders running around.
Do you also know who's done with all those pretenders running around? Super Shades. He's going to enforce copy-right Charles Bronson style.
ACTION COMICS #689 opens with Superboy and Supergirl dealing with the fact they let a dime-store Deadshot blow up a bridge. I think the whole thing was implied to be part of some TV executive's plan to get more ratings but I don't know.
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude, Super Shades awakens from a power nap, presumably to recover his strength after putting together that life-size Warhammer figurine. Like everyone living in our soul-less technological age, he immediately checks his computer to see what's going on with the world. Seeing that Metropolis is in chaos because there are four Supermen, Shades decides the best course of action is to eliminate them.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. SUPER SHADES WILL ENFORCE HIS COPYRIGHT WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.
Elsewhere, Luthor feels fucking betrayed by a teenager being a teenager. World's greatest mind everyone.
Of course, the first Superman he goes after is the fucking nigger.
Then STEEL and Super Shades fight. I'm right now thinking back to the last time I saw Super Shades in this event, and he was disgusted that Guy Gardner approved of him. It made him seriously consider his approach to things.
Gotta throw that shit out the window so we can get Superman back, pronto.
So Mongul's coming to earth to get revenge on Superman. Shades, you were so focused on enforcing your IP that you totally missed a big orange space-ship just threateningly cruising toward earth. Way to go.
As you nostalgically remember Barq-toos, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Shades and STEEL just keep fucking fighting.
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
I'm beginning to think they were right in limiting advertising to children.
I still like the idea of four replacement Supermen..I mean, hell, even Batman has replacements every now and again, why not Supes? Problem I think is that well, they kinda pussied out by bring Supes back ASAP. Same thing with Rodimus back in Season 3. They could've had something there with a vulnerable and rookie leader…and then they pussied out by bringing Prime back…TWICE and without actually having Rodimus a chance to grow (only episode where Rodimus finally accepts his role..was followed up by Return of Optimus Prime and that episode was at the tail end of Season 3.)
Considering that comics used to advertise about learning martial arts from the Deadliest Man Alive…yeah, I can see that.
Hey, I'm sure The Count only RIPPED, SLASHED, TORE, GOUGED, MAIMED, TORTURED, DISFIGURED, and KILLED in self-defence.
You take that back. Comic Ads were offering American children superpowers.
Off to buy a Lynx
Did I say that Shades and Steel keep fighting? Turns out I was wrong. I forgot an important issue.
ACTION COMICS ANNUAL #5 is important, not because it's another BLOODLINES cross-over, but because Shades Superman makes a friend.
That's what I want out of my fun superhero comics: attempted suicide.
Cripple cop gets his spinal fluid drained by our friends, the Bloodlines edgeliens. Arguably this is the best thing for him.
Of course, the sexy one tries to go after Shades. Stupid edgy alien. He's fucking Super Shades. He's going to have none of your parasitic shenanigans.
Looks like Cripple Cop is one of the lucky few who's spinal fluid was holding them back from incredible powers. In his case, it manifests as a blue Hulk with a wider vocabulary.
I miss when comic characters had thongs as part of their costumes.
How does that Blueberry Ape find enough time during a FIGHT WITH SUPER SHADES to get all dressed up like the Terminator?
Luthor watching TV in nothing but a robe is probably the grossest thing I've seen today. Guess his new body doesn't limit his flowing locks to just his head.
Man, this art is getting terrible and all this fighting is fucking pointless.
The Bloodlines aliens decide to just fuck it and jump Shades in public. So Blueberry Ape and Shades team-up to fight them.
It's now we learn that Blueberry Ape can change colors like a mood ring.
Shades causes the bridge to burst into flames, again. It's now Shades realizes to be Superman, he has to save lives and not hunt down dangerous aliens.
He's growing as a character.
Shades cold exterior thaws and he decides to allow this big, blue, hulk rip-off to be his friend. It makes me smile, and then makes me sad because they're going to chuck all that shit out to get Superman back.
Blueberry Ape decides to call himself "LOOSE CANON", but it doesn't matter because because he never takes off as a character.
As you all laugh that he's still crippled when he powers down, stay tuned for the next issue when Shades and Steel continue to fight and they wrap up Steel's entire story-arc for convenience.
I love this Jackson Guice art. He isn't an artist I ever followed, but his work here is really nice.
Flashback was an awesome game.
> Like everyone living in our soul-less technological age, he immediately checks his computer to see what's going on with the world.
MAN OF STEEL #24 continues the fight from ACTION COMICS #689. You know, the one where we chuck out all of Super Shade's character stuff because "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE". And apparently, the one, true Superman can't be a nigger.
HIS SHADES! SUPER SHADES CAN'T BE SEEN WITHOUT HIS SHADES!
Anyway, we get back to STEEL's whole Toastmaster's plot and that White Rabbit chick who he used to plow. Luthor apparently wants in on that action, even the whole plot feels beneath him. Luthor's whole involvement in STEEL's book just highlights how stupid business Luthor is. He thinks he can control mother fucking STEEL with threats of exposure. What an idiot.
STEEL's really rocking the Scooby "Can you rucking knock" pose.
Can you imagine a more awkward couple than an albino nigra and a fucking ginger? Anyway, we get some villain meeting or something, and it'd be nice if the White Rabbit got one over on Luthor because I just want to see a fucking villain do villain things in this damn book.
That fat guy is some great comic book shit right there. Too bad it's incredibly brief and he's defeated quickly.
Oh, and White Rabbit is fucking dead.
So Luthor gets to keep being the #1 villain of all Superman comics through absolutely no cunning on his part. It's almost like he's the big bad simply through is complete lack of initiative.
As you try to figure out who the fuck cares about Mongol, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Green Lantern's hometown is wiped off the face of the earth.
>tfw your adopted metamorph daughter grows up to be a slut
>Luthor's whole involvement in STEEL's book just highlights how stupid business Luthor is.
I find business Luthor incredibly disappointing. For all of the hype, he's just a petty ante rube.
Hopefully he snaps out of it when the Clark returns.
SUPERMAN #80 is where all this Death of Superman shit starts wrapping up. The bullshit involved from here on out is frustrating to say the least. It's like they just stop caring.
But we'll get into that in later issues, right now we've got a comic to read. Mongol has arrived and is going to turn Coast City into a smouldering crater.
Just a reminder, Cyborg Superman is not a character.
Giant green balls, smashing buildings and shit, and the good people of Coast City don't notice anything until they're on the phone with someone who has some importance to the DC Universe. Nice.
Well, Super Shade's number is up. Done in by Boringborg. This is where the story starts going off the rails because none of shit was set-up.
Super Shades doesn't deserve this. He was a good character trying to find his way in the world and protect the innocent, only to get his ass kicked by a bland cyborg. Terrible.
Eleven pages in and Coast City is no more. I thought for sure they would've dragged it out, have a whole "Battle for Coast City", but apparently they needed to get Superman back immediately.
>Destroy an entire city just to kick off the next big event.
>Reveal the obviously evil cyborg is, indeed, evil
Top tier writing I tell you what.
As Boringborg snows the White House over what's going on, I think how great it is that none of this fucking garbage was fore-shadowed at all. That Boringborg would somehow know Mongol. That Boringborg would need a major metropolitan area to be obliterated for … some reason.
For the first time in this whole mess, I think I'm experiencing what readers in the nineties felt. This whole thing makes me frustrated and angry, because what the fuck.
The fuck does this have to do with anything? Really, it feels like the entirety of "REIGN OF THE SUPERMEN" was a completely different comic and this is some other comic I picked up by mistake.
As you try to make sense of everything, stay tuned for the next exciting issue where Boringborg kicks both Superboy and STEEL's asses because fuck it why not?
I fucking hated Terminator Superman for offing Shades Superman…I like Shades Superman. Too bad DC hasn't brought back the ol' Heroic Shades Superman.
He's a hero we deserve…
I'm more incised that he was quickly offed by a non-character in a rushed plot that had no build-up. Shit like this happens all the time in mainstream comics and irritates the fuck out of me.
At least make his death have meaning goddammit!
He was taken from us too soon.
He was at the prime of his life…Never Forget Shades Superman.
Thank you OP for the storytime.
Thanks for the storytime so far. Any chance you'll do Knightfall after this? I'm enjoying your commentary so far.
Rest in Peace, Super Shades. You were too pure for this sinful earth.
On the flipside I feel more emotion over Shades McSuper getting killed than the big guy so mission accomplished you fucking hacks
Coast City. Gone. No reflective moment. No parting goodbyes. Just, gone.
Seeing as this completely senseless destruction lead straight to even more destruction with Emerald Twilight, I'm starting to understand where H.E.A.T. was coming from.
Not enough to give up on my boy Kyle, mind you, but damn did DC really treat GL fans like dog shit.
I caught a cold and I'm feeling fucking awful, so it's a perfect time to story-time more of this wonderful event.
It's ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN #503 and it's now Superboy's turn to taste OP cyborg cock. Apparently wind and other atmospheric conditions just don't exist in the DC Universe, because none of the smoke and ash from the whole city destruction ever dissipates. Boringborg is allowed to completely bullshit the outside world and nobody bothers to question him.
Also, where the fuck is the Justice League? From all their previous appearences in this event, they're more the "Justsitonourass" League.
Again, it's not made clear why Boringborg is doing any of this, and it sure as hell wasn't foreshadowed. I guess foreshadowing plot events would've required Boringborg to have been a character, with personality and motivations.
So, if I'm reading this right, the White House was just about to call the Justice League to deal with an entire city reportedly destroyed by a rogue Superman, but a another, obviously sketchy looking, skull-faced Superman says "Nah, bring me that other Superman instead. You know, the boy.", and none of them are going to question it? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't give a creepy terminator Superman the time of day, let alone make decisions concerning a national disaster.
I never got the importance of Superboy being a network exclusive or how a station owner's unethical behavior is considered Superman-level evil. However, what I do get is that Karl Kesel probably didn't know that "Getting horizontal" is slang for fucking.
Superboy flies off to meet up with cyber ghoul-face, and Rob Liefeld and Jim Shooter are going to be appearing at the grand-opening of Mile High Comics in California. This is a good time to point out that Rob Liefeld, before leaving Marvel to found Image Comics, was getting paid a million fucking dollars a year to draw comics.
Out of the arctic ice bursts out the full scale Warhammer figure featured in Action Comics #689 ( >>959286)! Is somebody going to learn the hard way that YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH A GUY IN SHADES?!
Meteor Man stars ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE.
People should be suspicious of a guy that tells rescue teams and the media that he "guarantees" that anyone going into the big evil dust cloud will fucking die.
Finally, at long last, Lois starts to consider that maybe Boringborg isn't the man he says he is after saying some contradictory shit on television. Well, too fucking late for that. Nothing can stop Boringborg from violating Superboy's anus.
Jim Shooter looks like goddamn Looten Plunder.
Superboy was looking for a father figure. Someone to give him a little guidance and spend some time together at the fishing-hole. He thought he found that figure in Cyborg Superman. He spoke kindly to Superboy and offered to give him advice. That is, until he suggested that they go fight some evil in a dark cloud where nobody could see them. Superboy leapt at the chance to bond with Cyborg Superman. It was then Cyborg Superman started getting friendly. TOO friendly.
Superboy was raped by Cyborg Superman that day. Boys, when looking for a mentor, be careful. You never know when skull-faced homosexual cyborgs are on the prowl.
Oh, now they're starting to some mild character work for Mongol, but who the fuck gives a shit about Mongol.
Welp, that's the end of Superboy. He got jobbed so hard that the comic lost half a page.
Mario's face is my face.
Stay tuned for the next issue where DC just fucking twists the knife.
>Mario's greatest adventure yet is being locked in a cell in the mountains of madness
I guess he gets to experience the princess's point of view
Appreciate it Anon
Same here. I was too young at the time to appreciate the shitty thing they were doing with this story, but I get it now.
I love Tom Grummett's art.
>Karl Kesel probably didn't know that "Getting horizontal" is slang for fucking.
I bet he did. I mean, look at the next page's dialogue.
That was a pretty fucking ominous statement.
Thanks again, OP! Feel better.
I really have no qualms about Emerald Twilight itself (Hal makes a good villain), but to just wipe out Coast City like it's nothing, without even a fight? That's fucking cold.
Why is Superboy's agent Ayk Danroyd?
What bothered me about Emerald Twilight was how abrupt Hal's face-heel turn was. One minute he's a hero, and the next he's murdering his old friends and fellow Corps members? That was hard to swallow.
But Hal didn't murder anyone. At least not until he murdered Sinestro and Kilowog and absorbed the GL Battery, but he was too far gone at that point to care.
However, it is true that three issues aren't enough to really capture Hal's decent into insane grief. But they at least tried and did a fairly good job, unlike the annihilation of Coast City, which happened in an instant.
I'm assuming that some, if not most, of you have been with me since the start of this thing, or at least have read the threads still up. You've seen Superman die, be buried, and a bunch of varied characters take up his mantel. It's been a wild ride. Now I want you to take everything we've read together, from DOOMSDAY's love of professional wrestling to Super Shades finding a friend, and just toss it in the fucking trash.
ACTION COMICS #690 does not give a fuck if you've been reading this event since the start of it. Hell, it doesn't give a fuck if you read the previous issue. DC's going to wrap up all the mysteries started in this thing in possibly the most disappointing, lazy ways possible. It's straight up bullshit from here on out.
For starters, we've got those fuck-ass Superman cultists showing up again. I know they're probably patting themselves on the back for the religious angle, but I seriously doubt citizens of a major metropolitan city would form a fucking cargo-cult around a superhero.
Superboy asks a really good question: Why the fuck is Boringborg doing any of this? Do we get an answer? Oh fuck no, because I'm 90% the writers don't know themselves. Boringborg is just running around cackling like fucking Snidely Whiplash, and we have no idea why.
Hey, it's Shades Superman! But if he's being an old man in the Fortress of Solitude, then who's in the giant robot heading for Metropolis?
Lois finally gets around to telling people she thinks Boringborg is full of crap, but seriously, what the fuck is a Metropolis cop going to do about it? Hey, what's that guy saying to Maggie Sawyer there?
>…Something weird about the stone slab that the coffin had been resting on .. It's shorter than it originally had been!
Meanwhile, Boringborg dupes THE ENTIRE FUCKING JUSTICE LEAGUE into buying his line about Super Shades and tricks them into searching the asteroid belt. Why? Why the fuck are they doing this? Why the fuck are they all sitting in their little treefort instead of investigating the smouldering remains of Coast City? Why the fuck is nobody questioning this crap? Not even Guy goes "Fuck you, I'm checking this out for myself" and he fucking met Super Shades.
What the fucking fuck, DC?
Boringborg gloats that he tricked idiots. We still have no fucking clue what his goal here is, but he's going to destroy Metropolis too. Why? Fuck if I know.
These three pages gave me clarity. I understand, and feel, what those reading this must've felt when this was released. Its changed my thinking and now I whole-heartedly agree that Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman, and Justice League are all faithful interpretations of Superman. It's opened my eyes.
This is now Superman. The shit where they make-up that Super Shades was a fucking house ghost robots pulled out of the walls, even though none of it was foreshadowed, is now Superman. The shit where Super Shades just didn't remember hauling Superman's lifeless carcass to the Fortress of Solitude, even though I fucking read the issue and none of that was in there, is now Superman. Even the shit where the fucking Fortress robots gas-lighted Super Shades into believing he was Superman, that is now Superman.
This is what Superman is now. When people talk about Superman, this is what they mean. Three beautiful pages that fucking reduced reading the twenty nine issues to get here a complete waste of time.
My anger. Oh my incredible anger.
We'll all live the rest of our lives knowing that the Justice League are idiots, and Super Shades was a fucking ghost taped to a rock.
Oh, by the way, Superman's back.
Stay tuned for the next exciting issue, because of course this fucking thing keeps going.
Imagine getting the shit knocked out of you and then coming home to this.
>"Hi anon. You are not actually who you think you are. You're life is a lie. We're not even your parents. We just call you "son" because we're conditioned to do so. Now get in the basement so we can reveal who you really are, Hitler."
What a scream yourself awake nightmare.
>What a scream yourself awake nightmare.
Or maybe you just stumbled onto the half-open: Scary Door